10 “Red Flags” for Social Media and Dating

If you see any of this nuttery in their feed: Run!

Social Media changes the way we date. It helps us eliminate possible suitors before we even meet them in person, because we learn so much about their general attitude towards life through their status updates. Social media can also help build attraction between people, as it did for me and my most recent boyfriend Shane. He was virtually a stranger, but after two years of reading his Twitter timeline, blog posts and watching his ridiculous videos I decided: THIS is a guy I can get down with. So I did. For a year.

YouTube video of my BF setting himself on fire. SWOON.

That situation might have been a social media win, but usually the opposite happens. A few months ago I met a guy at a bar through mutual friends. He was attractive, funny, intelligent, employed and totally was not a serial killer. Any dude living in L.A. who has all these traits is already so far ahead of the game, he doesn’t need to even show up in any other areas. He can just breathe and not kill. Being attractive and employed means you are winning at life in 2012. “Bar guy” and I hit off in a general manner, but before setting any dates we became Facebook friends. Then came the RED FLAGS. His status updates were always negative. He posted about his life sucking and why he hated his mom. He tweeted lame pics posing with bottles of champagne at stupid clubs. He statused about his asshole neighbors, jerk co-workers and stupid ex-girlfriend. I looked further back in his timeline and found photos of him wearing Ed Hardy hats and Affliction t-shirts. I repeat: ED HARDY and AFFLICTION. Maybe he is a serial killer.

Through this and other online flirtations I learned there are many common social media red flags that might seem subtle, but should make you RUN, not walk away from a potential IRL date:

10 “Red Flags” for Social Media and Dating

1. The Humble Bragger

These are people who really want you to think they are AWESOME. They want you to know their life is better than yours because they think this makes them more desirable. Humble Brag people are self-aware enough to know that boasting is rude, so they follow each boast with a bit of false humility. Passive/aggressive humblebrag-ishness goes something like this:

“I hate that my new 2012 Range Rover Deluxe Edition isn’t big enough to fit just one more care package to take over to the orphanage.”

“Somebody just stopped me in Whole Foods just to tell me I’m beautiful. I felt like such a dork.”

Or simply

“So blessed to have the best life, best job, best friends, best house, best everything ever. God is good.”

We get it. Your life is amazing. Now grow up.

2. The Forever Infirmed

There’s always that one person in your timeline who constantly posts about their never ending slew of ailments. They’re always in some stage of illness. I’m not talking about friends with legit cancer or status updates from your 198 year-old aunt Helen. Aunt Helen can bitch about her gout if she needs to. I’m talking about perfectly healthy 25-year-olds who always write stuff like:

“Oh no, not another fever. Just got over mono, strep and syphilis.”

“I feel like shit…AGAIN. Why do I always get sick before the holidays/birthdays/everyfuckingday”

“First cramps, now explosive diarrhea??!! WTF? FML!”

Which brings me to…

3. The FML Person

If you are living in America, own a computer and have time to update your status, your life can’t be THAT bad. (see Syria). The occasional drama is understandable, but FML people are always miserable. They have a perpetually negative attitude and actually think their life sucks more than everyone else’s life sucks. Can you imagine how awful they must be in person if they are that unhappy online? If you date a FML person it will become a FOL situation. Here’s how:

“Stuck in traffic. FML.”

“I hate my job. FML.”

“I want Pinkberry. FML.”

“@insertyournamehere is late for dinner. FML.”

“@insertyournamehere never makes me happy. What a bad boy/girlfriend. FML.”

Therefore…

“@yourname can’t make me happy because I secretly hate myself. Now we are both miserable. #FuckOURlives. #FOL”

4. The Party Animal

I’m not one to judge, but maaaaaaaaybe a grown adult shouldn’t be posting pictures of them self doing rails of blow off a dead hooker, while holding a beer bong in one hand and a big pink dildo in the other. I’m not saying don’t DO these things. I’m just suggesting that maybe you shouldn’t live tweet that action if you’re serious about trying to get a date.

Actually screw it. Someone should just invent an anti-drunk-dialing breathalyzer Ap for phones that automatically disables your ability to call, text, tweet or Facebook if you blow over a .08. It’s not your fault. If you didn’t have access to your phone while drinking and mainlining Adderall in an opium den you would never have posted those pictures.

Oops – a picture of me from Facebook. Guilty of red flag #4.

5. Post Break-Up “Trying Too Hard” Status Updaters

After a break-up you KNOW your ex is stalking your social media feeds. It doesn’t matter if you de-friend and block each other, because you and your ex will always find ways to sneak a peek at each other, and you know it. So you use your feed as a weapon. You create status updates just to make your new single life look WAAAAAAAAY better than it actually is in order to make your ex lover jealous. Then you get sad that you tried to hurt them and write weird cryptic lovey-dovey shit that you hope makes up for all your public sluttery and abandonment.

“Me and my wolf pack are poppin’ bottles at (insert club name) and all the ladies here are looking hot tonight” #gettinlaid!

“OMG the guys at (insert bar name) are sooooooo cute. They bought all me and all my girls shots!! Should we all make out? #girlsnightout”

“I can’t even tell you all what I’m about to do tonight. #gangbang”

Followed by…

“Sometimes you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone. I miss my cookieface bunny rabbit. Come back to me my love. #suicide”

6. The Casual Death, Doom and Destruction Updater

Some people status update about really painful, awful, private, next-level shit as if they are casually updating about what they ate for lunch.  I do not want to date or be friends with these people.

“Looks like I’m getting a divorce” (Posted Monday 1:29 PM)

“Sometimes I wish a tsunami would wash all the pain away. #life” (Posted Tuesday 4:45 AM)

“I miss you grandpa. RIP.” (Posted Wednesday 3:09 PM)

“My WHORE wife just left me, so I’m going to burn down our house and then kill myself by cutting my own throat with a serrated knife!!!!” (Posted Friday 6:00 PM)

“Everybody is FUCKING DEAD ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?” (Posted Friday 6:45 PM)

“Sup dogs!!??? What’s everyone doing tonight? Wanna hang out???” (Posted Friday 9:45 PM)

7. Mr. Innuendo/Miss Tease

Him: “I have a humongous boner. Any hot sexy ladies on Twitter want to Skype or meet up IRL?”

Her: “You can almost see my nipples in that last picture I just posted. Cum check out my webcam. Hee-hee!”

No. NO! NOOOOOOOOO! And Ew.

8. Old-Fashioned Stalkers and Psychos

@exgirlfriend: “I love you” (posted at 10:04 AM)

@exgirlfriend: “I love you” (posted at 11:56 AM)

@exgirlfriend: “I love you” (posted at 1 PM)

@exgirlfriend: “I love you” (posted at 4:00 PM)

@exgirlfriend: “I love you” (posted at 4:01 PM)

@exgirlfriend: “I love you” (posted at 5:00 PM)

@exgirlfriend: “I love you” (posted at 7:45 PM)

@exgirlfriend: “I love you” (posted at 10:00 PM)

@exgirlfriend: “I love you” (posted at 12:07 AM)

@exgirlfriend: “I love you” (posted at 3:45 AM)

@exgirlfriend: “You’re a cunt” (posted at 4:36 AM)

“My @exgirlfriend is fucking CRAZY” (posted at 4:37 AM)

@exgirlfriend: “I still love you” (posted at 4:38 AM)

9. The Catfish

You have no idea who this person is, but their profile picture is HOT so you accept their friendship. They direct message you about common interests and make witty remarks about things you post. Over time you build a rapport and start a flirtation. Things heat up and they start sending you sexy pictures. This person is totally the greatest! You can’t believe you met them on the internet.

Then things get weird. The messages become erratic. They demand all your time and plan your future together even though you NEVER EVEN MET THEM in person. The texts become desperate and facts don’t add up. You realize the pictures they sent you are not even real pictures of your online crush. They’re actually stock photography they stole from RandomArtsyModelSite.com. They become aggressive when you call them out on pretending to be a 25 year old underwear model when they’re really a 500 lb, 84 year old recluse. You try to block or ignore this person. Then they write you ten times a day. They friend request your family members and message your co-workers and friends. They write weird poems about you and post it on their blog. Eventually they give up. Or they show up at your house, murder your whole family and boil your bunny.

What she posts

What she actually looks like

10. Me

Just don’t do it. I’m not ready & neither are you. But we can be GREAT friends.

Sometimes it’s hard to tell if a potential lover is batshit, so thank God we have the internet. Just remember – sometimes YOU are the one who is one crazy status away from getting laid. Next time you want to post a nasty tweet to your ex or write a poem about how much you hate your life on your blog, beware! You are flying your own Social Media Red Flag for all to see.

Feel free to add your social media dating red flags in the comment section below or hit LIKE or SHARE if you like this blog post.

Thx!

Jenn