I’ll preface this by saying wealth shouldn’t be measured by money and assets. Riches should be counted in love, health, experiences, puppies, rainbows and unicorns. That being said, I do catch myself comparing my financial success to others at times. While I feel lucky to have food in my belly and a roof over my head, I do stress over what kind of ceiling shelters my dome – and whether I’ll ever be able to afford to buy my own roof rather than rent it. I also understand that all things are relative. We live in America, so unless you found a secret currency-free commune that doesn’t also happen to be a cult – you’re gonna have to make some cheddar to survive.

That being said, if you live in the USA and are reading this on a laptop, phone, iPad or even (gasp) a desktop, from inside of any type of climate controlled shelter, I can assure you my darlings, you are indeed rich. Read on to find out just how wealthy your broke ass is…

(source http://irememberthepoor.org/3/)

So pop some bottles of 2-Buck Chuck and toast your lucky stars.

OR, please check out the Global Poverty Project’s current eye opening food challenge “Live Below the Line” and see what it’s like to survive on $1.50 of food per day. My friends Jessica & Kirstin are taking the challenge. If you’d like to learn about this or show your support please visit their page and donate a few dollars here.

The Hole in Your Soul is The Hole in My Soul

This month marks my four year anniversary of living in Los Angeles. In many ways, LA is a beautiful place. The skies are sunny, the people are beautiful and we have beaches, parks and nature galore right in the middle of a huge urban metropolis. In other ways, LA can make you crazy. Like, literally possibly clinically insane. Mainly I think this is because most people move here with what I call “A Hole in Their Soul.” Many people who move to LA need some sort of validation. They need to fill whatever void they have in their life – not feeling like they are “enough” – by feeling attractive enough, important enough or cool enough to make it in Tinseltown. I’m not saying these are BAD people. I think more accurately, they might be SAD people.

I know this because when I arrived here I was one of them.

You don’t purposefully point to a map and think “LA will fill the void in my life.” It’s more of a subconscious thing. It’s the same delusion that makes people think winning the lottery and moving to a remote island will make them a happier more peaceful person. Sure – Power Ball and palm trees seem nice, but when you get to the island you still brought one common denominator. You brought yourself. And trust me – I don’t care what money, fame or success you have – there’s no escaping yourself.

If you move to Hollywood you must have some sort of desire to either be known, or to be surrounded by those who are known. If you don’t want to be famous, you certainly want to be fame adjacent. Why else would you move here? Biggie might have “come here strictly for the weather, women and the weed” (sticky green, in fact!), but in the end he returned to New York, satisfied with his trip to this weird bizarro land that celebrates looks over achievements,  youth over wisdom and style waaaaaaaaaay over substance.

When you arrive in Los Angeles, something inside of you needs validation. You are probably passionate about several things, but in the end you are the most passionate about one thing: Yourself.

It’s been a weird road for me here. When I arrived I was certainly passionate about myself. I wanted to be SEEN – on TV, on red carpets, in magazines, whatever. Then something strange started to happen. I actually started to be on TV, on red carpets and work directly with all these celebrity oriented magazines. Everything was going according to plan. Sure I was told I was too fat, too ugly, too outspoken. I was told I need to dye my hair blonde. Be prettier. Be sexy. Be less sexy. Be (insert Network/Agent/Manager/Rando opinion of the day). I was told I need to smile more and think less. I was told to stop being so sassy and smart around rich or powerful guys because they would find it annoying. I’ve actually had dozens of women (Hmmm… somehow never men) tell me to downplay my education and intellect and play up my giggling, my boobs and my lightheartedness so guys we were hanging out with would feel superior. You’re in LA bitch! Act like it!

I’d go to parties and instead of looking you in the eye, people look around to see who else (ie: more important than you) is in the room. I booked my dream television hosting gig on the Style Network, only to loathe the job because my role was to tell young impressionable women that the clothes they are wearing aren’t cool or sexy enough. They must need a make over! Gross. I’m sorry, but nobody NEEDS a makeover. GROSS. GROSS. GROSS.

WE WILL MAKE YOU OVER B/C OBVS YOU ARE NOT ENOUGH… DUH

I’d be at dinner and people would only talk about 3 things: Celebrities, money and themselves. I started to loathe Los Angeles. Worse, I started to loathe myself for being the type of human who would want to come here. It all seemed so shallow. So meaningless. So desperate. Even worse, it was ENDLESSLY BORING.

Then something happened. Something changed. I did not want to be seen. The idea of going anywhere near a red carpet seemed embarrassing for all involved. Fame seemed creepy. Notoriety for doing something of value seems reasonable, but fame for the sake of random attention IS pretty creepy. So I stopped caring.

“But Jenn! You are going to leave the house looking like that?” YES I AM.

“But Jenn! You are going to say no to being on this reality tv show.” YUP

“But Jenn….” YES. And Fuck Off.

So I kind of just dropped out of “LA Society”  - or pseudo society, as that more accurately describes it – and I decided to discover the “other LA.” The quieter LA. The Los Angeles with people, not characters.

I found that if you look a little harder, there are many terrific humans here in LA. There are interesting people, cool little sub-cultures and tons of people who filled the hole in their soul with love, hobbies and pursuit of a different path.  They can still be actors, models, writers, entrepreneurs… whatever. It’s not about about the career you choose. It’s more about why you choose it. If you want to be an actor because you love acting, that’s one thing. If you want to be an actor because you love you some you, that’s another. But God bless you for it.

So four years in I’m still learning, still searching and still a bit lonely. I’d say the hole in my soul starts to disappear as I connect with more full, balanced and boisterousness souls. I still cry a lot. I still wonder why I’m here. And yes, even last weekend some sad, basic, wannabe Hollywood it-girl found it pertinent to announce to the crowd of people at a party that my shoes are no longer cool and the style is “from 2010.” (This actually happened).

The offending shoes

But the more time I spend finding other people who value things more important than the year my shoes were cobbled, the less I care about the people who do.

You breathe. You tune out the noise. You open your eyes. The lights of Hollywood start to fade away and finally you see Los Angeles.

“If you fear your love has died, perhaps it is waiting to be transformed into something higher”

For me, this is the most powerful and hopeful quote in Terrence Malick’s trailer for his latest film “To the Wonder.” Everyone experiences some form of loss of love – whether it’s romantic, friendship, familial based or just losing your fire, passion for life or a true crises of faith. If you’ve ever fallen out of love, hurt someone you love or broken your own heart into a million little pieces as I have, it’s hard not to personalize these words and repeat them in my head – just as a way to find meaning and hope in all the love that has been lost.

To truly is love is to let go of fear, which can seem nearly impossible.

Here’s the trailer. Interpret it as you will, as I think personal connection is part of the beauty of Malick’s movies.

After reading this interesting & very timely piece about “Why Living in the Present Is a Disorder” in Wired, I can’t stop thinking about my generation’s rampant over-obsession with “the present.” Of course, many studies have linked higher levels of happiness to living in the moment. Eastern philosophy and modern Western spirituality both teach us that life is about being content with the present. While most will agree that being mindful of the present is important, none of these studies, yoga classes or self help books advise people to become obsessed with how we feel about this current moment.

Social media gives us the ability to give and receive new information about ourselves and others on a constant ongoing basis, without really thinking about how all this information will effect us in the future. We just think about now. And we think about it a lot. Here are “5 Ways Living in the Present is Making us Crazy.”

1. Online profiles cause too much obsession with the present: So many people struggle with thoughts about where they are “now.” They are going through very intense, conflicted and obsessive thoughts about the present, while having trouble even beginning to envision their future. We’re so inundated with prompts to explain who we are RIGHT NOW (via Facebook profiles, Instagram pictures, Tweets) we can’t even begin to wrap our head around the future because we are too dazed and confused by the pressure of defining who the hell we are this minute. Constant presentationism takes over our lives.

2. Our lives become a “highlight reel” of the present: We live one life online – showing a highlight reel of our happiness, accomplishments and big moments, then walk away from our computers or put down our iPhones unaffected. Then we go back to living the smaller, sadder or even mundane moments in a quiet vacuum. Our true present is shittier than our projected present, because real life isn’t a sizzle reel. Real life is all the moments in between. We also mostly only see other people’s highlight reels on social media, giving us the feeling that everyone else is living such a better, more glamours or fulfilled life than us at this moment. This gives us anxiety if we aren’t doing something awesome and status update worthy at all times.

3. We live multiple lives at once, and therefore don’t even have a true “present” identity: This piece just scratches the surface and is an excellent peek into troubles about the divergent lives we live today. At one point the article talks about Drone pilots experiencing more PTSD than actual fighter pilots in Afghanistan, because drone pilots go back to their wife, kids and lives in Nevada an hour after entering into combat, and don’t get to properly process or experience the reality of their two divergent simultaneous lives. Online social media profiles aren’t tantamount to war, but there’s evidence that the stress and confusion of maintaining two separate but similar lives can actually make us feel crazy.

4. Obsession with the present causes identity crisis and narcissism: We are so used to being programmed to live in the moment that we get caught up in the pressure of being a happy, content and well defined human being now, rather than making goals, planning and taking steps to sustain these things in the future. Our current narrative and image becomes more important than our projected life story, and our obsession with figuring out who we are now turns into rampant narcissism and even more anxiety. It’s like a record skipping, repeating “WHO AM I? WHO AM I? WHO AM I?” in our heads all day – rather than allowing a free flow of new thoughts about the future. We are just too busy negotiating WTF is going on now while simultaneously figuring out let everyone know WTF is going on now.

5. Words start to speak louder than actions: It is troubling when who we say we are becomes more important than who we actually are. We’ve all heard the phrase “actions speak louder than words” -but on the internet it’s all about words and images rather than real life actions. Our construct or self-concept defines us rather than our actual behavior. You can think “I’m a great person. I support gay rights” by Tweeting that you support marriage equality, without ever having to do any actions in real life to that help or support the movement in any way. You justify this by saying “but my voice counts” or “I’m contributing to a positive narrative.” But are you really? Or are you just contributing to the noise, shouting into the dark and even finding a way to shirk real-life responsibility and service to others by allowing yourself to think you are charitable and socially responsible online?

These are just a few of the ways of obsession with the present affects us. There are also many positive things associated with living in the moment. I always believe in the philosophy that you write what you know, so clearly this is something I’m also personally deeply affected by and struggling with.

I recommend reading Douglas Rushkoff’s latest book Present Shock: When Everything Happens Now, and forming your own opinion. If you have struggled with this or have similar observations or concerns, take a moment to ask yourself: Am I living in the present – or obsessing over it? But try not to stress about it too much or we’re stuck right back in our ongoing and perpetual feedback loop of present self-obsession.

When I first read the press release I thought it had to be a joke – but it’s true. Adam Levine teamed up with Macy’s to launch his own signature scents for men and women.  Fine. I’m never mad at someone for continued success and for making a little extra cheddar, but the BS he came up with to justify WHY he decided to get in the perfume biz is outright laughable.

When asked why he created the fragrance Levine said: “I find the things that inspire me in my everyday surroundings and express who I am as a person, which led me to the creative process of developing these scents.”

That is what he actually said. Are we supposed to believe he was just randomly inspired to come up with a department store fragrance? STOP. IT.

When asked about business ventures why can’t celebrities just say “Why am I working on this project? Duh… because I want your money, fools!” That would at least be honest and somewhat respectable. Right?

This is the state of things as I write this blog post. Wearing pajamas & a hat IN BED.

I feel fat. I feel gross. Then to make it worse, the judgey lady giving me a manicure at the nail salon tells me “Awwwww you look tired.” Why would she say that? That’s basically like telling someone they look like absolute shit. I blame Thanksgiving dinner. Or Thanksgiving desert. Or whatever happened after we took this picture below. Ttiiiiiiiiiiiiiiime to detox.

So I’m going to do what many post-holiday Angelenos do, and go on a 3-day cleanse. I’ve cleansed and/or juiced before, but usually in a half-assed manner. I haven’t had luxury of buying pre-packaged juice specially tailored for my dietary needs. This time I’m going to make it easier and more convenient by doing the BluePrintCleanse, which has 3 different level of intensity. I know a cleanse is more about restoring balance and feeling healthy, but I’m not gonna lie. I’d like to be thinner in 3 days, if possible. So I’m going to try the level 2, Foundation Cleanse.

There’s also this fun little site set up to interact with other BluePrint Cleansers and post about your own experience. Kind of like a self-contained Pinterest board. I like it. http://life.blueprintcleanse.com/

Want to cleanse WITH ME? I have a special treat for my blog readers, Twitter followers and FB friends! I Get 20% off any BluePrintCleanse or specialty line of cold-pressed juices when you use code THANKSDRINKING. (Offer ends December 3rd.)

I expect to look exactly like her in only 3 days. That should be possible right? Will report back soon with glorious results. Damn girl…that assssssssssssss!